Helpful Tips for Using Public Transit

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We all know the basic rules of public transit (even if we don't always follow them): give your seat up for the elderly/disabled/pregnant, don't save a seat for your purse on a crowded train, let passengers off before you try to get in, etc.  But after the basics, people become confused and angry.  Should I leave my garbage in the train when I leave?  Should I complain in a loud voice about my distrust of certain races?  When does creeping on the stranger next to me become too creepy?  Luckily for you, I've been riding the T in Boston for the last four years, and I've compiled a list of helpful tips (which is certain to be the first of a very, very long series) to get you through your next commute.  Just follow this advice, and you won't have to fall back on the unseemly alternative of conducting yourself with basic human decency and respect.

1. If it's your first trip on the T, do not, under any circumstances, hold onto the poles or hand straps.  You may have heard rumors about inertia and other basic laws of physics, but don't concern yourself.  When the train suddenly lurches forward, there is absolutely no chance of you flying headfirst into the lap of a stranger.  This is especially important for anyone in stiletto heels because, if you hold onto the pole, it may prevent you from losing your balance and stabbing your dagger-like foot blindly into another passenger's leg.
2. Similarly, if you can, prevent other people from holding onto the poles as well.  This is most effectively done by trying to make your way to a door an absurdly long time before the train actually stops.  There is literally no way you can not make it from your seat to the door in time to get off at your stop, but that shouldn't prevent you from shoving past people, forcing them to let go of the poles while the train is still violently swaying from side to side.  The milliseconds you make up are precious.
3. If you have to carry a bag, make sure it's the biggest bag that you own.  This is important because, as we all know, bags don't actually take up physical space.  Backpacks are great for this, just avoid placing them on the ground between your feet, as this will only prevent you from constantly whacking everyone around in the immediate area.  If you have luggage, place it in front of the door or block the only open seat.  Play the cello or the double bass?  Only travel with it during rush hour.
4. Similarly, if you have to ride with a child, make sure to plan your trips so that you and your huge-ass stroller hit rush hour, taking up precious space and blocking multiple seats.  Be sure to act with a sort of smug, self-satisfaction because you reproduced, which is something that only pretty much all other life forms can do.  Rules don't apply to breeders.  Remember, there's nothing like using your child to prevent someone else from seeing theirs!  This rule also applies to teachers - the train is never so crowded that you can't shove 16 small children into it.
5. Are you a group of upper-middle class white boys?  Start a rap battle!
6. Are you traveling with your significant other?  Make out.  As cloyingly and disgustingly as possible.  It may seem like everyone is getting really uncomfortable, but they're just jealous that they don't have that same deep love, the kind that requires constant, public validation.  Extra points if you "steal" your SO's glasses (or hat, etc.), wear them, and giggle like an idiot.
7. If you're a teenager listening to music or watching a movie, make sure that you don't wear any headphones.  Just blast it across the car.  You are totally as cool as you think you are.
8. If you are seated on a crowded train, constantly give the impression that you're getting off at the next stop.  After a stop is called, put your book away, zip up your bag, and lean forward, looking expectantly out the window.  Then, wait until the train starts again, lean back, take your book back out, and don't get off the train.  Never get off the train.  You live there now.
9. Consider sitting with your legs almost comically wide apart.  They should make it too awkward for anyone to sit on either side of you. This can be done for a myriad of reasons. Maybe you're tall.  Maybe you're overcompensating for something.  It doesn't matter: if you're uncomfortable sitting like a normal person, you have every right to make others uncomfortable by taking up three seats in a crowded train.
10. Remember: You are the only person that matters.  Act like it.